I love shopping! No, seriously, I really do. For me, there’s something about finding a great outfit at a decent price. Over the years, I have tried to instill my shopping habits and perspectives in my children but, so far, to no avail. 

The way we shop for an outfit, a car, or a new restaurant has over time affected the way we tend to view finding a new church or staying at our current one. While I understand how this has transpired over the years, treating church like a shopping or consumer experience can really miss the [theological and practical] point of church. 

So how do you find the right church? How do you know your current church is right for you? These are important questions that many wrestle with.

To help process such questions, I want to offer up one principle, two questions, and three challenges (or exhortations). 

Principle

You’ll never find the perfect church for you, but you can find a church that is purposeful for you. In other words, you must eliminate the notion that a perfect church exists. Perfect churches do not exist! Churches will disappoint, frustrate, and yes [at times] hurt you—hopefully not intentionally. Just like there are no perfect families—the family of God (aka, the church) isn’t perfect. 

While no church is perfect, every church should be purposeful—as the Church was birthed out of the mission of God and thus given the purpose to be on mission. Therefore, finding a church is more about seeking a church that you can partner with on mission. Understanding this principle, at the very least, can help you begin to process whether a church is right for you.

Two Questions

First, what do you believe about church? This question forms what theologians refer to as ecclesiology. Ecclesiology is the five-dollar word for “the theology or study of the church.” If you believe church is about a place you go rather than a people you are part of, that will inform your decision about finding or staying at a church. If you see a church more like a country club or gym membership, that too affects your church shopping experience.

For me, I have a strong conviction that the church is the redeemed people of God who have—through Jesus’ death and resurrection and their faith in Him—been brought into covenant relationship with God. As God’s chosen people (1 Peter 2:9), the Church exists as God’s missional vehicle that demonstrates the inbreaking Kingdom of God and invites people from every tribe, nation, tongue, and people group to turn from sin and to Jesus and thus become part of God’s redeemed people.  

To live out this reality, I adopt Ed Stetzer’s six biblical markers that comprise a New Testament church. They are:

  • Function under the authority of the word
  • Have biblical leadership (elders/pastors and deacons)
  • Exercise biblical preaching and teaching
  • Partake in the ordinances/sacraments (Baptism and Communion)
  • Believers understand and see themselves in covenant community with one another
  • Participate in the mission of God

Second, what are the essentials or the most important elements you are looking for in a church? This question certainly builds on the previous one. But this one seeks to do a deeper dive into the above question. 

Once you understand your ecclesiology, which I hope is rooted in the Bible not in your feelings or preferences, you’ll need to figure out what are you looking for in a church. Research has shown, over the last several decades, church attendees see preaching, music, and children/student programming as the most important elements they look for in a church.  

I understand why people look at these three elements. There’s nothing in particularly wrong with this. In addition to these, I would like to propose a set of questions that seek to go a little deeper beneath the surface to help people process what church may be right for them.  

  • Will I be challenged to grow in my walk with Christ at this church?  
  • Can I connect and serve this church in glad and joyful submission?
  • Will I be encouraged to partner with God on mission—locally and globally—at this church? 
  • Will my faith (and my family’s faith) be shaped in all areas of life—personally, relationally, vocationally, and culturally—here at this church?
  • Can I submit to the leadership structure and thus, personally, the leaders of this church? 

These questions help deepen one’s choice of church. They help you process what church can aid in your spiritual formation rather than feed your spiritual consumption.  

In short, one’s ecclesiology and the elements they look for in a church will inform their decision to partner with a church, their eagerness to stick with a church, or their exodus from a church.

Three Challenges

With over two decades of pastoral ministry experience, I’ve seen a lot of people come and go from churches. I’ve talked with hundreds of people looking for a new church, and I have extensively read books and research around church attendance and membership. Below are my top three challenges, or words of exhortation, to people who are looking for a church or wrestling with whether to stay at or leave a church. 

First, don’t bring baggage into a new relationship. Over the years I have experienced Christians come to a new church with either unfair or unreasonable expectations by bringing what they liked and/or didn’t like from their previous church—which could be beliefs, practices, values, culture, structure, expectations, etc.—and projecting those things on the new church.

This is similar to what Joannie and I experienced early in our marriage. Joannie projected on me things that her dad did and thus she wanted me to do. For instance, her dad would change the spark plugs in the family vehicles; and so, she expected me to change the spark plugs as well. Problem, I didn’t even know what a spark plug was! 

Guard yourself from wanting your new church to be everything you liked and/or didn’t like from your previous church and pastors. It is unfair and unreasonable to try and personally customize your church experience the way you would customize your Whopper at the local Burger King. On the other hand, it’s also perfectly reasonable for you to have some non-negotiables in what you’re looking for in a church. Going back to the marriage analogy, while changing spark plugs was a negotiable thing in our marriage, Joannie wouldn’t have married me (nor I her) if the non-negotiables weren’t met. [Hint: for help with non-negotiable, return to the previous section and answer the two-questions.]

Second, instead of asking your current church to change to accommodate your preferences, it would be first wise to ask the Lord to change you. Throughout the years, when I’ve fielded negative comments and criticism from church members and attenders, almost 99% of the time it has been around personal preferences.

I understand this is the nature of our cultural context. But I’ve also experienced people weaponize such negative comments and criticism by threatening to leave the church if such changes aren’t made. I recently replied to such an email and I gracious suggested that instead of asking the church to change to accommodate their [family’s] preferences, they go to the Lord and ask Him to change their [family’s] heart. It’s much easier to ask someone else to change—such as a church—then it is to look within and ask God to change you.

Third, be careful not to tear down and criticize a church just because you don’t like it, you disagree with it, or it hurt you. I truly believe there are times where the Lord will release you from one church and lead you to another. However, how you choose to leave a church reveals a lot about you. 

I have seen people leave a church so upset that they want to verbally burn the church down. I have seen people leave and begin to spread toxic words about the church they left. I’ve seen people leave a church and tear down the leadership. At the end of the day the church is comprised of and even led by imperfect people. There will be times a church (including her leaders) will disappoint, frustrate, and even hurt (hopefully unintentionally) you. But the church is still the bride of Christ, the household of God, the temple of God. 

I understand much of the time, hurt people (including hurt Christians) hurt people. I have the scars of church hurt, so I personally know what it feels like to be hurt and wounded by brothers and sisters. However, I firmly believe that under no circumstances should we rake a local church over the coals—heaping words of hostility and ill-intent on them. Also, we should never celebrate the demise of a local church we left but should pray from them. Why? Because Jesus died for the Church! Jesus intercedes continually for His people! 

Yes, this is easier said than done. But you’ll only do this if you first see what Jesus did for you. Remember that because of your sin you hurt, wounded, and even played a part in crucifying Jesus. Yet, He still died for you! If Jesus did this for you, you in return can show grace and forgiveness to His imperfect bride who may have caused you pain. 

Here’s something else to keep in mind: how you exit one church will determine how you enter the other. 

In closing, I know finding the “right” church can be difficult or wrestling with staying at or leaving a church can be excruciating. My hope and prayer for my brothers and sisters is that they would commit such a process to the Lord as searching for a church to partner with is eternally different than shopping for the perfect outfit to wear. 

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